Me, Undisguised

I found her crying her heart out under the bushes on my way to the cafe one day, maybe because it was cold, maybe because she was hungry, probably because she was scared. After all, it was drizzling, it was almost dark, and she was alone. It took me a while to persuade her, I practically had to catch her, but somehow, I finally managed to have her in my arms. She was shivering, the poor thing. I brought her to my room, wrapped a towel around her and tried to stop the shivering. She was such an adorable little creature. That was how Shin-chan, as my family and I later called this kitten, came into our lives and touched our hearts.

To sneak her into the house without my father’s knowledge was rather tricky. Thank goodness my mom was in the act as well. So were my siblings. I had to keep her in my room so that my father didn’t find out. And amazingly, it seemed that Shin-chan understood! She didn’t cry, didn’t make any noise at all, just sat quietly in her basket. She was truly a good kitten.

Obviously, my father found out later. But the tale was that she just appeared out of nowhere, NOT that I found her and brought her home. Until now, my father still doesn’t know the real story.

Over the months, Shin-chan grew up to be very charming and beautiful. Very ladylike, although she had a tendency to babble once in a while (guess she takes after her owner). Mind you, I was strict with her, unlike with Biscus, my other ‘baby’. But Shin-chan was really obedient and didn’t create much trouble. A really good cat.

We found out later that she had such a pure heart. She was still young at the time, but she mothered two orphaned kittens. Each of the kittens was different, in breed and background, but together along with Shin-chan, they became a family. There was this one time when one of the kittens was hurt and it cried, Shin-chan came running and comforted the kitten, just like a true mother cat would. We all loved her for that. It almost seemed like she didn’t want the kittens to suffer the same fate she did when she was little, to be left alone, untended. So, she did what she could, even lets them suckle her fur for milk.

She definitely won over our family’s hearts, even my dad’s.

Sadly, one day, she was gone. Just like that. Hit by a car. Even now, it hurts everytime I recall what my mom told me. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I was working in Perak at that time, so I didn’t get a chance to see for myself.

It’s been more or less a year now, but I still miss her. I miss the love she brought with her into our home, especially the love she gave the kittens. I miss her babbles. I miss her huge eyes, her cute face. I miss the way that she would snuggle on my lap whenever I sit.

Here’s to you, Shin-chan. Thank you for entering our lives and warming our hearts. I definitely will remember you, always.

Oh, yes, just to let you know, the kittens have now grown into very healthy, MISCHIEVOUS teenage cats. :o)

Today, 14th of December 2007, I was blessed with a little, totally unanticipated, occurrence. This small incident has left me stunned. In one quick jolt, I was made to view my life from a different perspective. I was also reminded, indirectly, that though I still have a lot to achieve, there are even more things to be thankful of. And though I have known this, I was given the chance to discover its truthfulness - that being an educator may not present me the opportunity of making big bucks, but there are a few experience of this profession that is so rare, so priceless, no money could EVER be worth it.

Last month, I was offered to teach English at KEMAS to dressmaker students (as they call themselves) during the semester holiday. It was to be a 64-hour course and the session would be divided between 3 other lecturers. I would be taking the first session. I was told that these students were weak in English, that they entered the course because they weren’t offered to go anywhere else and that they might need a lot of help. I was also informed that I would be paid, which was excellent news for me. At first, I was less than enthusiatic to teach the class - one, because I was supposed to be already on holiday at the time the class starts, and two, because I wanted a break from teaching for a while. However, since I won’t be getting any pay in December, I decided to do it for the money. I knew I wasn’t going to get much, after all, I had to teach for only 8 hours, but I was desperate. I had set my mind that it was going to be difficult - in my head I pictured several village girls who hadn’t the slightest idea of even the basics of English. Okay, so my mind was exaggerating, but hey, I have a big imagination.

And so, I accepted the offer with money in mind.

I don’t know why, but though I have a feeling that I would be paid with minimum wage, I put in a bit more effort in preparing for the class. Maybe it was the impression that my coordinator gave me about the class. She was so afraid that I would forget about it because I was in KL, she even called me a few days before the class started. She even sent me a message the night before the class to remind me of it again and also to "have fun". That part of the message was what I remembered the most - "have fun". I guess that was why I put in extra effort. Maybe. Maybe.

Since I had the first session, I had it easy because I would be starting with the basics - nouns, pronouns, articles, etc. So, there was room for a bit of games. Keeping my coordinator’s "have fun" in mind, I tried to think up of games and fun activities related to the topic I would be teaching for that day. I was thankful that, though I did a lot of last-minute preparation, I had a few ideas.

And so, I went for the first class.

As always the case, for the first class, I was nervous. Even more so because I would be dealing with students other than the ones in UiTM. I would also be trying out a totally different activity for the introduction, different from what I was used to doing. But, as the two hours progressed, I decided that the class was not too bad. It consisted of all girls. They may be weak but they seemed eager to learn and though some may be the same age as me, some even older, they were polite and happy-go-lucky. From my previous humble experience of teaching, I learned that most students feared English. These girls were no exception. Therefore, I set myself up for the task of trying harder to capture their attention by making them see that English could be fun in order to alleviate their fear of English.

The week passed quickly. Before I knew it, it was already Friday. Eight hours of teaching didn’t provide me with the chance to know them well - heck, I couldn’t even remember their names - but I truly enjoyed teaching them. We took pictures, I gave them my number and we exchanged sorry’s and thank you’s. Then, it was time for goodbye.

As I was driving back, some of the girls sent me a few messages. Most of the messages said the usual thank you’s. But there was one that really struck me. It goes something like this: ".. umur saya sama dengan cik tapi cik dah berjaya tapi saya masih tak ada apa-apa untuk dibanggakan."

‘Berjaya‘?! What?! ‘Berjaya’ is the last word I would use to describe my current condition. Suddenly, as cliched as this may sound, the past few years of my life flashed before me. Then I realized, though I have failed on several occasions, I have also achieved my fair share of accomplishments. I succeeded in getting my degree, amidst the hardship and heartbreak. I have a great family, great friends and definitely a great boyfriend. And though it’s not permanent, I got myself a job, with the help of my friends - a job that I was unsure about at first, a job that tested my level of endurance many, many times, a job that I seem to enjoy more and more of.

It took a girl, my student, to remind me of my blessings. I was so humbled by what she said. Before this, I thought I fell short of success. I was a bit depressed and angry at myself for not doing better. She made me realize that not many were as fortunate as I was, to have what I have. There’s nothing wrong with struggling for something better. But it IS wrong if you forget to be thankful for what you have now. So, like I said, I may not have a lot, but I have enough. Syukur, Alhamdulillah.

Wisdom in that short phrase was more than the wisdom I gave my students in those eight hours. If only the girl knew how much she taught me. It is things like this that makes the teaching profession priceless.

I’m tired, I’m sleepy, but there is one question that is keeping me awake: is honesty really the best policy? I had one heck of a talk a while ago and now I’m beginning to second-guess myself - did I do the right thing by being honest? Maybe I should have just lied through my teeth. But a friend had once told me to always stay true to myself… and I’ve kept her words at heart since. I’ve always valued honesty because I wouldn’t want to be living a lie, but only now I realize that there are consequences. It’s not as easy as it seems. Too much is at stake…

People say that you can’t lose what wasn’t yours in the first place. If that’s so true, then why do you feel a sense of loss all the same? But, heck, we’ve all been through this before, some of us more than once, and it gets easier with time right? Haha, think again - does it really??

The men in my family consist of my dad and my two brothers. Out of the three of them, I’ve always thought Abang, the second one in the family, as the most egoistic. As a child, he was spoiled and self-centered, and believe me, I’m not exaggerating. He would never, ever admit he was wrong or that he had made a mistake. To him, whatever he did was always right. Seriously, to live with a person like that can really test your patience, and at times, your sanity. He hasn’t changed much over the years. Ok, ok, so he’s a bit more mature, and maybe a bit less spoiled, but that’s about it.

However, a few months ago, I was fortunate enough to witness a side of him that is rarely seen. I didn’t even know it existed actually. But it changed my views of him permanently. Here’s the story.

You could say that our house is a sanctuary for cats. If I were to mention the exact number of cats that we own, you would either look at me with amazement, or you would think I was nuts. It doesn’t matter, really.

The responsibility of the cats would always fall on the women of the family, meaning my mom, my sister and me. Nevertheless, my dad and my youngest brother, Syahin, would always find time to play with the cats, and occasionally feed and bathe them, but Abang had always been oblivious towards them. It’s not like he didn’t care, it’s just that they were not his top priority.

One day, my dad came across two kittens in the drain on his way back from the mosque. He told my mom about them. My mom asked for my brother’s help in rescuing the kittens, which he did. The kittens, only a few months old, were wet and dirty, and worse of all, full of scabs. My brother said that there were supposed to be three of them, but one of them died. He found it to be already floating in the drain, near to where the two were found.

Normally, since my sister was tied up with school work, it would have been either my mom or me that would be caring for the kittens and nursing them back to health. Unfortunately, though, during that time, I was already away in UIA, and my mom couldn’t spare much time for them because she was too busy with work and household chores. But she did what she could.

I was home one weekend when I witnessed an unbelievable sight. There was my brother, sitting cross-legged on the floor, with the two kittens playing about him, patiently putting ointment on them to heal their scabs. I was shocked, astounded, dumbfounded – you name it. To tell you the truth, it felt like I had intruded on a really intimate moment – a truly perfect Kodak moment. Only later did I find out that my brother had cared for the kittens during my absence.

My sister had also told me of another incident. My brother, with the kittens at his feet, was opening the fridge, when suddenly, something fell out. Afraid that it might hit the kittens, his first impulse was to shield the kittens with his foot.

My brother? Trying to protect the kittens? I couldn’t believe it. From then on, I began to see my brother in a new light. So, my brother had compassion after all. Or is it possible that it had always been there, and I was just too ignorant to notice? Hmm, I wonder.

I guess people do change, or at least, they grow up. Oh, don’t be fooled, he is still as egoistic as ever – he won’t even admit that the kittens were his and still refuse to take responsibility for them – but every time I’m at home, I would occasionally see him take the kittens into his arms to play with them for awhile. I can definitely live with that.

By the way, in case you were wondering, we named the kittens Sugar and Pepper. Alhamdulillah, they are now healthy, have grown tremendously, and are mischievous as ever.

One more thing, if you’re reading this, and you happen to know my brother by any chance, could you please not mention this to him? I don’t think he’ll be too happy to hear about it. He has a reputation to protect, if you know what I mean. ;o)

This incident happened on the second day after the sem has started. For sentimental reasons, the date was December 6, 2005. I had no classes that day so I made a date with a girlfriend of mine to go out. I was sitting at the bus stop, (obviously) waiting for the bus. If I’m not mistaken, it was around 11.30 in the morning, or maybe a bit later than that. Anyway, there I was just watching the cars drive past, when I was “visited” by this beautiful creature. It was a small butterfly, light gray in colour. You might think that gray is not a very attractive colour, I didn’t either at first, but as I looked closer at the butterfly, I saw that it had tiny yellow patterns at the corner of its wings that made it look rather alluring. What surprised me was the fact that instead of landing on the plants nearby, it decided to land on my hand. Maybe it was attracted to the perfume I wore, or maybe it was just confused, but it gave me a nice feeling nevertheless. I guess the butterfly was trying to get some nectar out of me because it made a sort of digging movement (at least, that was what it looked like) and it felt rather ticklish. I shooed it away, half hoping that it would decide to go to the plants instead. I was wrong. It came back, landed on my hand again, and resumed its business as if nothing had happened. It remained on my hand, occasionally moving on to land on my tudung and my blouse, but it will always go back to my hand. This continued until the bus came 10 minutes later, and sadly this time I had to shoo it away for good.

I know to some of you this incident might be of no importance, but to me it was amazing. I felt truly honoured that a creature so delicate and exquisite trusted me enough to land on my hand, not just for a few seconds, but a long 10 minutes. No, nothing out of the ordinary happened that day after the incident, nor did I meet anybody special. But I will always remember the feeling it gave me as if it was only yesterday. It is like this quote I stumbled upon the other day, I can’t remember who said it, but it went something like this: “You may forget what people say, or what they did, but you will never forget how they made you feel.” How true. Sometimes the ‘little things’ DO count. In this world where everything comes with a price, I had forgotten. The reminder came in the form of a little gray butterfly. And for that I am grateful.

          Do you remember a story of a girl who was mistreated by her stepmother? Or of the one who had lived with the seven dwarves? These are fairy tales that ended with Prince Charming coming to rescue the damsels in distress and living happily ever after together.

If only life was that simple. Nevertheless, these fairy tales played a small part in helping me survive life’s painful lessons. They triggered my imagination and helped me to daydream. These daydreams helped me to temporarily forget the harsh world that I am living in and kept me sane.

            Most of my daydreams are connected to my future life, or rather, the future that I would love to have. I have had so many of them it is difficult for me to choose which ones I liked best. If I was forced to choose one, though, it would have to be the one about my residence. After all, there is no place like home. Ok, lets start daydreaming!

I dream of living in a beautiful condominium, situated on a magnificent beach filled with palm trees to provide sufficient shade. It would have to be extremely clean with not a single trash in sight. The sky is sparkling blue and full of sunshine. I could feel the wind caressing my cheeks softly. From the balcony of my condominium, I could see the sun setting on the green, glittering, clear sea everyday. All the different hues the sun made while it sets and how it reflected on the sea - it’s simply breathtaking!

You might be asking me why I prefer a condominium and not a bungalow or something of that sort. I prefer a condominium because I plan to live alone and a condominium would be just perfect for that. You might think me selfish, but I love my privacy. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want. I am my own queen, in my own “queendom”. Anyway, a condominium would be small and easy for me to manage, but still comfortable enough when family and friends come over.

My condominium would consist of a bedroom, a study room, a bathroom, a kitchen and a living room, all painted in white. These areas will be simple yet stylishly decorated. I prefer it to be given a modern look, with practicality and good looks rolled up into one. Most of my furniture and accessories would be blue in colour as blue offers freedom and serenity. The atmosphere of my condominium would always be inviting and ceaselessly providing comfort to anyone the minute she steps in.

(Ok, come to think of it, a husband and kids might complete this picture. But, that’s another daydream altogether. *wink wink*)

Now that you have me so worked up on my daydreaming, it is very hard for me to stop. But, since there is a limit to everything, even daydreaming, I have to return to my everyday world and keep my feet firmly on the ground. Do not worry, though, because I will definitely be back, even if it is for a second, to forget all my worries and live in harmony in my own world.

***Your Birthdate: October 18***

You are a cohesive force - able to bring many people together for a common cause.
You tend to excel in work situations, but you also facilitate a lot of social gatherings too.
Beyond being a good leader, you are good at inspiring others.
You also keep your powerful emotions in check - you know when to emote and when to repress.

Your strength: Emotional maturity beyond your years

Your weakness: Wearing yourself down with too many responsibilities

Your power color: Crimson red

Your power symbol: Snowflake

Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz

Ok, to straighten things out, I don’t know about me being a cohesive force, OR about excelling in work. Neither am I sure about ‘facilitating social gatherings’. And I definitely am NOT a good leader. Inspiring others? Most of the things I say do not make sense. I still have a lot to learn so I don’t think I can pass for being mature yet, emotionally or otherwise. Proof: I try to escape from responsibilities as much as I can. Ha, I guess I’ve scared you enough. That said, I’m not TOO bad, but then I’ll just leave you to judge. If you’re willing to take the risk.. *shrug* I won’t give you a hard time, at least, not too much. ;o)

Crimson red as my power colour? Snowflake as my power symbol? September as my power month? Whatever you say. *roll eyes*

(Thanx, Alia, for letting me nick this. You know how confused I am at times. Ok, MOST of the time. *grin*)

i’m only a bus stop to shelter you from the hard rain,
once it has stopped, u’ll walk away without a glance back,
to your warm, cozy HOME, full of love,
the place where u belong,
and here i will stay, abandoned.. and forgotten. 

By Boyz II Men

(Excuse me, I know we just met
But may I have this dance?)

Sitting here with a drink in my hand
Your presence I can’t ignore
I must admit I like watching you dance
But it seems like I’ve seen this before
Girl, you look like my first wife
Though I’ve never been married before
So I kiss your hand and tell you "Thank you"
You turn and ask me what for

For our first kiss on next week
    For when we make love in six weeks
    For the ring you wore proudly three months from now
    For when you said "I do" next March
    And for those beautiful children of ours
    Yes, I know it might sound strange cuz we just met
    But I thank you in advance

(Shawn, help me sing it)

Hi, my name is Shawn
Tell me your name
Although I know the last one
It’s funny that we’re shaking hands
[Wait a minute, I know this hand]
It’s the same hand (I’ll hold in front of a minister)
Same hand (when you’re havin’ my son and his sister)
I don’t mean to sound so bold and forward
But I thank you in advance

For our first kiss on next week
    For when we make love in six weeks
    For the ring you wore proudly three months from now
    For when you said "I do" next March
    And for those beautiful children of ours
    Yes, I know it might sound strange cuz we just met
    But I thank you in advance

It’s like I came back in time to tell you thank you
You’re as beautiful then as you are now
Look in the mirror, there is a picture
Of you and the man you love

For our first kiss on next week
    For when we make love in six weeks
    For the ring you wore proudly three months from now
    For when you said "I do" next March
    And for those beautiful children of ours
    Yes, I know it might sound strange cuz we just met
    But I thank you in advance

I find confidence VERY intriguing. Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not that special, but hey, a little dreaming never hurt anybody…